Life changes

I haven't posted in over 8 months. A lot has happened. End of September I met John. We moved pretty quickly and have been married just over a month now. Things are interesting to say the least. One interesting side effect is that my bipolar disorder has been pushed to a backburner. John says I just needed a good lay. Doc, my therapist, has said that I have other things to focus on now. Instead of my mental illness being the center of my life, I am actually living.

Not to say I haven't had my moments. I went off my lithium for about a month. John was begging me to go back on it. While I was off the lithium, I didn't take my Seroquel one night and so was only on Ativan for 24 hours. Those 24 hours were much fun for me, but a cause for concern for my doctors. I did go back on the medication voluntarily, and now recognize that I still need my meds even if I'm doing much better.

One problem of bipolar disorder is that you think you're doing better and so you no longer need your meds. It's a trap we all fall into at some time. You're feeling better, you're doing good, your doctors are optomistic, even if cautiously so. And why take these pills? There are so many of them, you hate the side effects, and, damn, but are they ever expensive! And there's always this little voice inside of you saying, "You don't really need that." So you figure, well, what are these drugs doing for me anyways? I'm always thirsty, I've gained all this weight, I miss that high, fun hypomania. And you stop one medication that you figure you don't really need that much anyway. Then another and another until the next thing you know you aren't taking any medications. You aren't sleeping much either. But you have all this energy! Chaos ensues, more slowly for some than for others. Eventually you have to go confess to the doctors that you haven't been taking your meds. Face their disappointment, listen to the lectures, hear all the I-told-you-sos. Slowly get your life back. Starting all over, just like you did when you were first diagnosed. Sometimes you can't just go back on the medications you were taking before. They no longer work as well as they did before you stopped taking them. The balance beam act begins all over. And once you're back to the place you just plummeted from, you face the demons once again. They say "Do you really need that pill?"

Life ain't always beautiful

There's a country song out there entitled Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allen. It's a wonderful song. Some of the lyrics:

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has its own way
Of taking its sweet time.
No life ain't always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

I truly believe that song. Living with bipolar disorder has made me see the beauty of life. Sometimes it seems that I'm going from one crisis to another. That I'm making med changes, and crying in my therapist's office on a regular basis. But if I wasn't bipolar, I wouldn't be who I am today. And yes, I have my faults. Big ones. But overall I like who I am. The bipolar made me this way.

That's one of the hardest things to accept about bipolar. Is that you are who you are because of this terrible illness. And if you like yourself, then you have to at least accept the bipolar. That's not an easy thing to do. It's much easier to deny it. To say there is nothing good about it. But that's not true. Bipolars are very passionate. They feel things deeply. That is not a bad thing. It is what it is. And so, I learn that life ain't always beautiful, but it really is a beautiful ride.

Introduction

Hi,

I'm SarahBeth. There, now we're introduced. I am 26 and work in the accounting field. I work 40 hours a week and go to school full-time to get my accounting degree so that I can not only do the accounting work, I can get paid for it as well.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It has become my life. Making sure I get enough sleep, remembering to take all the pills, not just some, visits with psychiatrists and therapists, watching my mood closely and always wondering when the shoe will drop and I'll end up back in the hospital, with no job and no place to live.

Granted, in the past few years, I have stopped letting the bipolar disorder run my life as much. I do stupid things like get completely plastered with my best friend at her apartment. I just make sure that I have time to recover and my doctor knows what I'm about to do. I have realized that going a tad bit up does not mean that I'm about to have a major manic cycle and it is ok to ride it out. Of course, I have also learned that the minute it seems like this is a major manic cycle that I'm on the phone to my psychiatrist immediately.

I have two wonderful doctors, Dr. Y my psychiatrist (pdoc) and Doc my therapist (tdoc). I have been seeing Doc for almost 10 years because I was put in therapy during high school (it was believed that I was puting myself under too much pressure) and went back to him when I started having real problems. Dr. Y I have been seeing at least since the beginning of 2001. I can't remember when I started seeing him. I just know that he gets bipolar disorder. He has his PhD in psychology as well as his MD for psychiatry, so his approach is quite unique. He pushes therapy and has said often to me "Meds are only 5-10% of the equation. The rest is you." I don't think he realizes though that without that 10%, the other 90% is impossible.

I hope this blog is encouraging to others as I make my way through life as a bipolar. I hope to show that I can make it, so can you. I will post on bp issues as well as other life happenings and things that trigger my curiosity or make me laugh.